Of My Dreams
by Master of Chronicles
Summary: Cloud meets the love of his life. But she doesn't even exist. Can he live in a dream and in reality without losing his friends? Oneshot. Please review!


_A/N: I wrote this in one shot, thanks to the inspiration that I can only find amongst other fans._

Of My Dreams

How can I explain this? What words can I say so that she would understand?

The answer is easy, real easy. There aren't any. No matter what I would tell her, I'll come out sounding like an idiot.

"Sorry Tifa, but I don't love you. You're my best friend, but I don't think of you when I fall asleep. You're not in my dreams, and you're not in my future. You're not the one."

But even I know saying that would make me look like a monster with a heart of ice. Everyday I leave as soon as I'm up, and I go to bed as soon as I'm back. She doesn't complain, never looks gloomy, and always greets me with a smile. It hurts when I smile back. It feels like I'm betraying her. But that's the weird part.

The woman I love doesn't even exist.

I first met her late one night while I was having a nightmare. I was completely surrounded by creatures of darkness, past regrets, feelings of worthlessness and sad memories. Haunting faces of everyone I let down loomed at me, twisted until I couldn't recognize them. I was drowning in a sea of black, with only a distant light from above growing dimmer as I sunk deeper. It felt so real I though I was really going to die.

Then I felt her. A strong, yet caring hand grabbed my own, pulling me back up, back into the light. I didn't even try to move at first, but then I heard her voice.

"Come on, curse you! I can't do this myself!"

Her voice jolted me physically. I was up, in my own bed, hot and sweaty. Tifa came in, dressed for the night, her face lined with worry.

"I heard you cry out." She said, wiping at my face with a towel I kept next to the bed. "Was it a nightmare?"

I was out of breath, unable to answer my friend. Yes it had been a nightmare, but it was so real, I could still feel her fingers in my hand. I tried telling Tifa it was alright, but she refused to leave until I told her about it. I mentioned the faces, who they were, what I felt, that I had been sinking into oblivion. But I didn't tell her about the voice or the hand that helped me. Tifa gave me a reassuring hug, but my mind was elsewhere. Who had helped me? Who was it that was there for me when I had been completely alone?

I was up all that night, thinking about it, reliving the moment when I was saved by someone I couldn't even see.

It stayed on my mind the next day, during the whole time I was on delivery. What I couldn't understand was why I was obsessing over this dream. It wasn't real. Why would it affect me so much? Was it trying to tell me something about myself? Did I have some soul searching to do? Finally I just forced it aside and went on with my day. When I went to sleep that night I was anxious, some part of me deep inside hoping to have the dream again. I didn't, because I had another one.

I was sitting down, wet, gasping for breath, overlooking a black ocean on a sandy beach. The water was dark as ink, small waves rolling in gently on the shore. My muscles were hurting, like I had been swimming for hours. There wasn't a sun in the sky, only gray clouds that darkened the further I looked out on the horizon. But the thing was, I knew exactly where I was. I had almost drowned in that sea the night before.

"Scary, isn't it?" Her voice was sudden, but it didn't startle me. I seemed to have already known she was there.

Still sitting on the sand, I turned around to finally get a look at her. The sight made my heart skip. She had light red, almost pink hair which she had hung loosely over her left shoulder. She wore a white, sleeveless jacket, with a zip-up shirt and a brown skirt along with a red cape. On her feet were dark brown boots that went all the way up to just below her knees, scratched and worn from use. She wasn't a knockout, but she was a heart throb.

"Thank you." I said, sounding like a five year-old in my own ears.

She looked at me, frowning. "You're thanking me because I said the water looks scary?'

I hesitated for a moment. Not exactly what I expected from the person who had just saved my butt. I lamely pointed out towards the sea, repeating what I had just said. "Thank you…for saving my life."

She didn't smile. In fact she looked like she never had. Who was she? I mean, what was she supposed to be? A dream is a reflection on ones life, wasn't it? I had never met anyone who looked like her or even sounded like her. Did she represent something or someone?

She continued to frown. "I didn't save you. You were the one to pull me out of the water, remember?"

I blinked, at a lost. I knew perfectly well that I had been sinking into an abyss of some sort when she gave me her hand and pulled me back up. Of course, I hadn't actually _seen_ her or knew when we arrived at the shore, but that fact that we were both on the beach proved we made it.

She must've seen my confusion because she started to tell me her story. "I was floating in the air just above the water when I felt something reach up and grab me. It pulled me down into the ocean and I was sinking deeper and deeper, all the while hearing someone laugh at me. I felt you grab my arm and pull me up. You told me not keep looking up at the light if I wanted to make it."

That wasn't how it happened. I know that. I was there! Why would she lie to me when we both knew the truth. I was getting frustrated, even angry at her. Here I wanted to show how thankful I was and she was trying to play a game with me? I wanted to yell at her, to lose my cool and spontaneously combust. I took a breath, opened my mouth and told her exactly what was on my mind.

"What's you name?" I said.

Huh? Where did that come from?

Looking at me squarely, she answered. "Lightning."

I mouthed her name, working my lips around each syllable. For some reason it seemed awkward for me to say, as though I wasn't able to accept that as her real name. I tried saying it out loud, but my voice was gone. I couldn't have screamed if I wanted to. What was happening?

_It's a dream_. A voice in my head said. _Anything can happen or even unhappen._

"What's yours?" She asked, still standing away from me. Why wouldn't she come closer?

Cloud.

I've said that word hundreds of times over the years with having to use a minimal amount to brain energy to do it. It was as automatic as breathing or blinking. But at the moment it was impossible. Thinking fast, I used my finger and wrote it in the sand.

"I can't read it from here." She said.

I could've motioned her to come closer, but my mind just accepted that fact that she was too far and so I wrote it again, only bigger.

"Cloud?" She read. "How ironic."

"I know." I said.

Three things happened at the same time in that one moment. One; I could speak again. Two; I had woken up and was talking to myself. And three; I panicked. I was sitting in my bed the same way I had been sitting on the beach in my dream. I looked around myself, startled at my surroundings, no clue where I was. But my senses eventually kicked in and I calmed down. I was back home, in Edge, with Tifa and the kids. I looked at my clock. 3:38 am. I still had a ways to go before having to work. I laid my head back down on the pillow and went to sleep. I didn't dream again, but oddly enough the feelings I had of meeting her, Lightning, I should say, lasted even as I rested. At least I now knew what she looked like.

If only I could get her out of my head.

No matter what I did I kept thinking about her. Walk, talk, eat, read, work or play, her image was always on my mind. It wasn't maddening, far from it. I liked it, because I was afraid that I'd forget what she looked after waking up, like most dreams. But she was so clear in my head I could've painted a portrait. But a part of me was trying to check into reality.

She wasn't real.

I mean, she couldn't be.

Could she?

It was a week before I saw her again. We were still at the beach, but this time it was evening, and we were both sitting under a palm tree, looking up at a cloud filled sky.

"Do you think we can do it?" She asked me.

Those were the first words she said to me in this particular dream, but for some odd reason I knew she was talking about whether or not we would survive the journey that laid out before us. We had talked about it for hours, and the entire conversation was in my memories, clear as crystal, even though it hadn't actually happened. I felt like I was checking into another life when I went to sleep.

"Everything we know will die if we don't." I answered, surprisingly calm. "Besides, I would love to see the stars again. This eternal canopy of gray clouds is depressing. For just once I would love to see a clear sky, just to know how it feels."

Just to know how it feels? I've seen hundreds of days like that. Why would I say something that crazy? But my memories didn't lie. I looked into them and couldn't find one with a clear moon or a bright sun.

Apparently, neither could she. "I wouldn't mind that."

"Lightning I…" I stopped, feeling like an idiot. I was about to say something stupid, moronic and absurd. I mean, I didn't know the girl! Why on earth would I say such a thing? But I did anyway. "I love you."

Her light blue eyes seemed to glow in the dark, that's how strong I felt her spirit was. She didn't smile at me, didn't confess her affections to me, she didn't even kiss me. Lightning simply reached over and held my hand. It wasn't much. Like giving crumbs to a starving man. But for me, it was enough. We continued to sit in total silence, her presence filling me with an emotion I never experienced before. It was like my dreams were giving me the ultimate soul mate, and I didn't want to wake up ever again. But I did.

My heart ached when I got up the next morning. I felt like someone had died, that I couldn't reach them no matter how hard I tried. Tifa began to see that something was wrong. I was folding inward again, refusing to let anyone in. Barret tried talking to me, and so did Yuffie ,of course. But it was Vincent that surprised me. The man who lived to be alone was worried about me.

"It's a sickness, Cloud. All of it is fake. You can't rely of was isn't real, because it won't help you when you'll need it most."

I didn't bother to explain. What I was going through was out of my control. What ever I was feeling wasn't something I chose. Who would choose to love a dream over reality? It wasn't as though my dreams were all wine and roses. Whenever I went to sleep, most of the time I dreamt of terrible things. Giant monsters, more hideous and frightening than any I ever faced before would be after me, trying to take my life. Usually I was fighting with Lighting, others times it would be alone with the knowledge that she was nearby. We took on hordes of creatures together, her gunblade roaring like thunder, my own sword crashing like a storm. The dreams were always on the brink of a nightmare, as though they might suddenly turn for the worst and have a tragic ending. But we always made it out alive and more or less ok.

Now and then the dreams were about us being together, alone and at peace, admiring the wonders we came across in our travels. Beautiful lakes, majestic valleys, towering mountains. We never met any people, which meant we had the world to ourselves. One dream I remembered the most was a small spring that we found in a clearing. We spent the whole day watching the tiny golden fish swim around, laughing as they tried leaping out of the water to catch the bugs in the air. It was then that we first kissed. It wasn't long, or all that passionate. But it was memorable.

Back in my life, things were falling apart. I didn't spend any time with the kids. Tifa and I hadn't spoken a word in months. I would work, eat and then sleep. I felt more like a selfish jerk everyday, but it was as though my life didn't belong there anymore. Of course Tifa thought I was seeing someone when I went to work, which was ludicrous. There wasn't a single girl on the planet that was like Lightning. She understood me with a glance, spoke volumes with only a few word, and showed more strength in a single step than anyone else I knew.

But she wasn't real.

What was I to do?

It all came to a head when I came back one night, late. I had trouble with Fenrir; it broke down earlier that morning. Hauling it up to the nearest garage had been a career of it's own. I was slightly dizzy from exhaustion and lack of food. Tifa was sitting on her couch, reading a newspaper. I opened the fridge, looking for anything to eat.

"What was for dinner tonight?" I asked.

"...Screw you." Tifa answered.

I stopped what I was doing. Did I hear her right?

"Excuse me?"

Tifa continued to read. I felt my face begin to heat up. "I said 'Excuse me?'"

She continued to ignore me. I marched over, tore the newspaper from her hands and threw it across the room.

"You have something to say? Say it!" I yelled, my anger fully unrestrained.

Tifa was breathing hard, just as ticked off as I was. But I guess she had a good reason.

"I was reading that." She said flatly, with an undertone to stop a tank in it's tracks.

"Then read this." I was pointing to my lips, leaning in close. "All I asked is what was for supper."

"Do I look like your own personal slave?" She finally yelled back at me, bounding to her feet. "You haven't said two words to me in weeks! What is it? What did I do to deserve this treatment?"

"What treatment? You make it sound like I'm physically abusing you or something. I pay the bills, get groceries, help clean. What do you want from me?"

Tifa was storming toward the stairs, eyes red, hot tears running freely down her cheeks. I felt guilty, I did. But at the same time, did I really deserve this? To be treated as an enemy, as though I was a bad person? She started up the first step, then stopped, shoulders slumping in defeat.

"Who is she?" She asked with a small voice. "What's her name?"

I stared at her wide-eyed. Was she really asking me this? Was she that shallow? Whatever sympathy I had was now crushed out. When I answered, it was with great venom. "Lightning. Her name is Lightning, alright? What now? Tell me, what are you going to do? Pack up and move out? You gonna bring the kids with you or something like that? Because let me tell you something, we're not married. We're not even an item! You and I are just friends!"

"Friends?" Tifa spat the word out at me, disgusted to even hear it. "No, Cloud, we are not friends. Friends talk to each other, they spent time together, they share their troubles, look out for each other, things like that! You and I? We've been strangers for a long time now. I don't know you anymore. And you know what? I don't even want to."

With that she climbed up the stairs and disappeared into her room. I was left standing there, a torrent of feelings running through me. I had lost my appetite, and decided to go to bed. Lightning was there when I arrived.

This time we were deep in a cave, the only source of light coming in through cracks from above. There was a monster somewhere in there, a big one, and we had to kill it. My gut told me this one was the last, that after this one our fighting would finally come to an end. But I couldn't focus.

"What's wrong?" Lightning asked.

"I…I can't." I sat down on the cold, hard stone, tears I had been holding back in reality coming out in my dream. "I can't do this anymore."

"But we're near the end. We slay this one and it's finally over." She sounded confident and sure of herself, everything I wasn't.

"Things are going so bad for me." I explained, telling her what happened. "How could I've let this happen? My dreams are now more important than my life. What can of man am I?"

I expected her to comfort me in some way, to tell me everything would be alright and that I could fight my way through it. But what she did say stunned me to my core.

"What do you mean 'your dreams'? This is my dream." She sounded confused, as though I had just declared having grown another head.

I shook my head. "No. For almost a year now, every night I've gone to sleep I've come here, different places, different times, but always with you, and always on this journey. But it's all fake."

"No!" She said forcefully. "I'm the one who's dreaming right now. I have a life of my own with friends and enemies. I'm fighting Cocoon. For months I've been dreaming of you and this place, having memories of things I didn't actually experience. You're the fake one, Cloud. You're the one who isn't real."

I stared. What was going on? "Remember when we first saw each other? I couldn't speak."

"I couldn't move!" She said.

"Are you serious?" I lost it, rising to my feet, my head whirling. "You're telling me that you're not someone my subconsciousness created, that you exist?"

It wasn't possible. No way. I had to test her.

"Do you know about Jenova, Meteor, Shinra? What about mako, or Midgar? Does Sephiroth mean anything to you?"

She shook her head, to my dismay. "I never heard of a thing you just said. So that means you have no clue what Cocoon is, or-"

Out of the darkness of the cave a tentacle sprang out, latching onto Lightning around the waist. Instinctively she reached for me, grabbing my forearm. But the creature was stronger and ripped her away, but not before her nails tore into my skin. Grabbing my blade, I ran after her.

It was huge, at least ten stories high. The darkness was too thick to see it clearly, but it had a pale yellow eye that glared at me. It's tentacles where everywhere, searching for me. My sword sliced anything that came my way clean off as I forced myself closer. I heard Lightning's gun fire rapidly. She was alive! I fought harder, desperate to get to her. Energy flowed through me like a river as my sword lit up in flame like a torch. The monster recoiled at the light, shrieking in pain. With a mighty heave I threw the sword right at it's eye, which busted open like a water balloon on impact.

Lightning cut herself free and immediately summoned a bolt with enough strength to power a city block that struck the beast full force. I freed my blade, the edge dripping with fluids, and hurried to her.

"Are you hurt?" I asked.

She looked down at herself. Her right thigh was cut and bleeding, but it wasn't life threatening. "Let's finish it."

Together we charged, swords high. I went left, she went right, pulling our swords in tow. The blades cut through effortlessly, the creature now cleanly split in two. With a gurgling sound it fell to the floor of the cave, dead. It began to make a sizzling sound, and proceeded to melt before my eyes. Lightning was watching from the other side, she composure intact. I started to walk towards her.

She caught sight of me and did the same. It took only a few seconds before we noticed something was wrong.

"I can't move!" She said, her voice full of horror for the first time.

Neither could I. My steps were sluggish and slow, my feet like lead weights. The cave around us began to move and fade, giving way to absolute darkness. I felt it weight down upon me, constrict my every movement. We were back in the ocean!

I tried to call out to Lightning, but she was gone. I wanted to turn me head, but I was frozen, sinking deeper and deeper, just as before. The light above me was all but gone. A terrible feeling of finality came over me.

"NO!" I cried, sitting upright in my bed. The dream was gone, over and done with.

My heart was bursting apart. I knew deep inside I would never see Lightning again. By killing the final monster we broke something that could never be repaired. The love of my life was gone.

I just sat there, alone with my tears, in a house I could no longer call home. After so long, living in a dream, where was I to turn? What was I to do? I couldn't just go downstairs and announce that everything was fine now and that I'll go back to my old life. I had no life!

Wiping my tears away, I thought it a good idea to get up and take a really long and cold shower. At least it would clear my head.

"Argh!"

I looked down at my arm, why was it hurting so bad? I had used it to wipe away the tears on my cheeks away, and it felt like they were turning into acid on my skin. I squinted at my forearm, trying to see if I had cut myself while I was asleep. I froze. It wasn't possible! There was absolutely no way…!

Leaping out from my covers, I ran over to the lights and turned them on, my heart pounding harder with every passing second. There on my arm, right where they should be, were five long fingernail scratches.

Epilogue

Dear Tifa,

I'm sorry for having let you and the kids down all this time. I can offer no excuse, because none are appropriate. I'm also sorry for leaving so suddenly like this. Something has come up, something important to me. I can't say when or if I will be back, but I hope I will, and not alone. All my life I've been searching for something, and now I have found it. I just need a little more time.

I left some money for you and the kids. I believe it will be enough for at least six months. During that time, why don't you find yourself a good man? I know you and Vincent have been hitting it off well. Why not give it a chance?

I sincerely wish you, Marlene, and Denzel all the best in life. I pray you may find peace of mind.

Please forgive and love,

Cloud.

_A/N: Thank you for reading. Please review. If I get enough feed back, I might write a sequel that will explain a few things and will delve even deeper into the story. For the record, it was hard writing certain of these scenes because I relate to them personally. Dreams will always fascinate me, and I'm often sad when they end._


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